but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
