You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
