even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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