Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
