I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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