Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Pants are for mortals
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
