Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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