I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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