I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
