I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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