I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
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Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
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When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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