Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
