then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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