i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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