if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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