farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
