I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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