Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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