Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
