wat bout pragnant strippers??
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
