I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
