My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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