im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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