he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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