1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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