Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
