So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
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Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
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Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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