Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
tell me about the fingering
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
