I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
