So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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