You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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