And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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