I could make wine with my vomit
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
