Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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