True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
