I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
