Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
