Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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