Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
