fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
