Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
