What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
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