do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
