i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
