Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
