i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize