I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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