The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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