Already got asked if we're dating
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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