how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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