I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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