Swine flu is the new snow day.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
