I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
