It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
