I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
