if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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